To know where I am, you have to learn a little bit about where I’ve been.


It’s midnight, we’ll actually it’s closer to 1 am, but time doesn’t have an effect on me like it does most people. I’ve always been a night owl, my brain is wired to master everything when the sun is absent and the moon is full.

Strange I know, but strange is who you’ll see when you meet me, not in a way that will give you jitters; hopefully, but in a way that makes you go away and think a little deeper about your own journey. It’s what I like to think my energy does, anyway.

Soooo, totally off subject, you’ll learn that about me as time goes on and I share deep insights into my mind and the behind the scenes of all that I bring to the world, via the magic of my two hands. 

Back to being awake at midnight ( Yes there was a reason I started my blog with that phrase ) since CRPS, time has had a humongous effect on me. A minute can feel like a day and sometimes a day can pass so quickly that I wonder how I’ll manage everything I have to do.

I use to take time for granted, unfortunately we all do until something drastic happens that makes you realise you’re not invincible. To learn about where I am now, you have to understand where I have been. 

I have had many days that have shaken my world to smithereens, but we’ll share those as time creeps by, for now I’ll focus on the journey since CRPS and how something that was suppose me rip my world apart, actually pieced it back together; through patterns of peace. 

Mindfulness is a therapeutic outlet that can allow the physical, mental, spiritual and emotional aspects of a human body to reconnect to each other. Through the gift ( once seen as a tragedy ) of stillness, I learnt profound lessons on time, and the importance of focus. 

So to me; time right now, is a man made illusion. I either have plenty of it or not enough and if i focus so greatly on “ time ” I would be devastated to have lost years of my life, to a choice I had absolutely no control over.

I, for so long spent my days labelling them, would I walk today? If so how far? How many steps? Would I be able to give my son an end day to this war yet? Through all that time, you have to come to terms with many things outside of your control. 

Will I have enough time to give my child a healthy mum? Will I have enough time overcome my illness so I can now make an absolute remarkable career for myself as an artist, through a talent I created amongst a journey I never wanted to be apart of. 

Questions can fill my days, for days on end or I can spend my time focusing on what is left, what is real, what is right in front of me and most importantly what is to become of the broken hearted.

That’s where the magic of Mandala art comes in. 

I picked up a pen after the event that I held to raise awareness for CRPS ( Rehabiliskate ) was over. I had no idea what I was to do. I had all this time and all this stillness. I was never one to sit still for half an hr let alone days, months and soon to become years on end.

I could barely walk or put a lot of pressure on my foot back then. ( it was only just showing signs of spreading to the opposite leg at this stage - late 2015 ). 

I then out of nowhere designed my first freehand big art piece - a mandala style lion head for my mum. That lady is an incredible human I tell you. 

From that moment forward I realised the profound healing power of pen. It stopped my shakes, not instantly but enough for me to understand there was a connection of wellness between pain and a pen. It enabled me to create a new focus, it helped me transcend and express some deep emotional pains I was accepting. Instead of remaining stuck in a situation I couldn’t grasp nor control, I chose a way out. I had no idea what I was doing, let’s be real here. I lived on hope and most days it was fear driving me, that it would be my forever reality if I didn’t give it my all. I have a little boy watching, who also has had to adjust to this life for us. Most grown men wouldn’t know how to stick around and become my carer, but he, at age 5 stepped right up. I owe it to him to fight back no matter what it takes. He is my life, my purpose, the reason I have fought so hard to build a life for us despite the way the world has disheartened my spirit beyond comprehension. 

Time has given me mandalas and mandalas have taught me about time, so whilst the entire world is alseep right now and my boy is due to be home from his dads in the early a.m, I’m up creating because mandalas are the only thing that allows me to accept both realities of mine. 

The healthy positive NikkiJade who conquers all and the quite warrior who is fighting a battle when no one even knows i’m in a war. 

 

Bless up.

Nikki Rowe.


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